[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
What if all the cashiers are married?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you