ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
secret recipe
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.