Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?