Hamburger Hinderer.
You Might Also Like
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.