HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%