[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
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I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms