HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”