Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway