@Fred_Delicious

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

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@chetporter

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

@gintastic_

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

@DeadAcct8888888

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

@GotBadTouched

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

@sonictyrant

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

@tigersgoroooar

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

@ShrinkMedia

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

@BarryVonAwesome

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story