Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Is….Is this an option?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.