Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back