Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Breaking news:
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐