[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
You Might Also Like
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Well, that should do it
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain