*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Breaking news:
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever