Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.