[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

You Might Also Like


I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.


My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.


MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry


That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself


Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science


[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”


I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”


4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy


My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.