I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
ME: I am SO sorry
Jogging has never helped my memory.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Pics or it didn’t happen.
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.