@PaperWash

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

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@_wendyb07

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@cepheusjackson

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

@donnie_fairburn

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

@yoyoha

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

@birbigs

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

@Discourt

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.