[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
You Might Also Like
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?