Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
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Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.