*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Yup.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling