[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Venn
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Just a reminder, folks:
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT