Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Otters see a butterfly.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.