*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
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*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Cha-ching is my safe word
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend