*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”