*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off