handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.