Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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fly smarter, not harder
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: