HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes