Hang in there buddy
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.