Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.