Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G