“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

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You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.


As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.


They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.


My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.


If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.


Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.


I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.


Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.