Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Not even remotely sorry.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
smh
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean