[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”