*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.