[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*