Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
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Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits