Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
me doing my best
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”