*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
The Assassin.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.