*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
You Might Also Like
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up