Hank is one in a melon.
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.