Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
You Might Also Like
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
This headline is a thing of beauty
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
58.