Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.