Happens to everyone.
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.