Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
*orders delivery*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato