Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Ugh
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?