Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.