Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Barbie gone wild
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I don’t know what to do
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar