“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!