Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
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Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
This kid is going places
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake