Happy birthday to all the women
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When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
can’t wait til they legalize outside