Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?